CHAPTER FIFTY-EIGHT
Many years ago, I bought Life’s Little Instruction Book by H. Jackson Brown Jr. One of the 511 valuable quotes in the book reads, “Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90% of all your happiness or misery.”
The older I get, the more I understand the wisdom behind such a strong statement. I truly believe that the longer a person stays married, the more sense this philosophy makes. At the same time, the longer a couple is together, the more difficult it can become to sustain a happy marriage.
Generally speaking, people tend to show more empathy when a woman can’t leave a marriage; their imagination allows them to ponder whether she is being abused, which sadly is very common. But when it comes to men, that same imagination seems to run into a brick wall. People can be quite dismissive and unempathetic toward men dealing with emotional, verbal and even physical abuse in relationships. Unfortunately, unbiased and fair-minded people are a rare find.
When I met Melissa almost twenty-five years ago, I could tell that she came from a good family. Her parents were hardworking, honest Chinese immigrants who had moved to California in hopes of creating a promising future and a life better than the one they had for their children. Their years of hard work and sacrifice paid off, and as a result, all four of their children graduated from college.
I was always respectful and friendly around Melissa’s family and they were always welcoming and hospitable to me. I was interested in the delicious food her mom cooked, smelling the spices and the ingredients of the Chinese dishes and helping clean the kitchen when she let me, and was always curious to learn about Chinese culture. I loved looking at their old family albums, asking about each person in the photos and where they were taken.
I have always been a sucker for kindness and kind people, and I liked Melissa because she was good-hearted, attractive, easygoing, and helpful. I guess she liked me because she could tell that I was a good person too. She found me attractive and liked that I was about to join the military, trying to find direction in my life. But looking back, it was a hasty decision to get married since we didn’t really know each other all that well yet. And because of this, Melissa and I came very close to getting a divorce more than once.
George Bernard Shaw once said, “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” Our first year together was good, but eventually we began to argue, as all couples do. Over time, the friction between us increased and left little space or time for romance or intimacy — or, even more importantly, for good conversation. The foundation of a strong relationship lies in mental compatibility, effective communication, understanding each other, having real and honest conversations, showing mutual respect, giving each other space, and laughing together as often as possible. Ideally your life partner should be your best friend.
As our marriage began to suffer, I felt lost, not knowing where to turn for help. I always refused counseling because I knew exactly what the problems we were facing were and had a good idea of what the solutions would be. Neither of us was very good at compromising or picking our battles in those early years, which are two important components to sustaining a happy marriage. Looking back, the amount of damage our relationship took on in those early years would be very hard to repair.
One night, Melissa, her friend Gina, and I came back to our place after going out for drinks. We were sitting in my truck in our driveway, as I poured out my emotions and frustrations about the relationship. I was desperate for a neutral party who would be willing to listen and make fair suggestions, and that night Gina was a great counsellor. To this day she is the only person who came across as an unbiased, neutral friend, willing to listen to both of us and give us genuine advice. She was Melissa’s friend, but she was willing to listen to my concerns and make sure Melissa was hearing me out.
People decide to get married for many different reasons, under many different circumstances, and at different stages of their lives. Of course, the main reason to get married should ideally be the mere fact that the two people are in love. But falling in love requires getting to know one another, and getting to know anyone takes time. I would advise anyone considering marriage, especially young people, to live together for one year prior to making such an important decision. Living with someone can reveal parts of a person’s personality that their partner never knew.
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